That Time I Interviewed Pat Gelsinger for a Bit

“You think that Pat Gelsinger looks like Wayne Gretzky?!!”

Pat Gelsinger, somewhat famously, looks a bit like Bill Gates. And he also looks somewhat like a local Portland auto dealer, Scott Thomason, who is on billboards all around town. But to obey the comedy rule of threes we needed a third.

“He looks a little like Gretzky. We need three - we’ll use him first. By the time we get to the end, nobody will question it.”

It’s 1994. Portland, Oregon. Intel is merging three or four teams together, uniting efforts to commercialize video conferencing products under one leader. Pat Gelsinger is that leader.

To “celebrate” - read: unify - this new group of about 500 people, there was going to be a picnic in downtown Portland, Oregon, and a “talent” show. Any team could enter a skit. The winning team, by audience vote, would get an extra vacation day.

Thirty years ago, before Non-Accrued Vacation became an accounting-friendly norm, Intel counted every, single, vacation day. So this was huge. And a few of us thought ourselves very funny.

So here we are, in a conference room over lunch, pitching ideas to each other, looking for a skit idea that would kill. All for an extra Friday off.

We have our number three. What’s the comedic situation?

We settled on an on-stage interview with Pat with some planted audience questions. I volunteered to be the interviewer, Letterman-style. A quick email to Pat’s admin and we had his participation committed.

“Pat’s in. Everyone have their props list? Are we good? Let’s run through it one more time.”

The Similarity

A couple of weeks later, we’re in an auditorium in downtown. Five-hundred or so folks, full of a barbecue lunch and a couple of beers, are in the audience.

We meet Pat backstage and he says he’s ready; that our script makes sense. We come out on stage. It went a little something like this…

The Roughly Remembered Script

Two comfortable chairs downstage, turned slightly towards each other. Davis and Pat walk on stage. Davis, with a clipboard, sits stage left. Pat sits stage right.

Davis: Welcome, everyone, to this fireside chat with our new General Manager, Pat Gelsinger. Welcome, Pat.

Pat: Thanks. I thrilled to be here so that everyone can get to know each other so we’re ready to make great products together.

Davis: Awesome. Does anyone want to ask Pat a question?

A few people standup. One is wearing a hockey jersey.

Davis: You, there, in the LA Kings jersey.

Ken: Mr. Gretzky! Mr. Gretzky! I’m a huge fan going back to Edmonton. You were great this year, but sorry the Kings didn’t make it further. (Ken points to the LA Kings logo on his chest) Will you sign my jersey?

Confused mumbling and maybe a snicker from the crowd.

Pat: Um. I think you’re confused. I’m Pat Gelsinger, head of this new Intel Division.

Davis: That was weird. Let’s take another question. You on the second row.

Blake: Mr. Gates! Mr. Gates! I’m a huge fan. (Blake raises a software box) Will you sign my copy of Microsoft C/C++ version 1.0?

Solid laughter as the crowd gets where this is going.

Pat: I’m not Bill. I’m Pat. Your new GM.

Davis: Odd. But that’s an honest mistake. We have time for one more question. You over on the right…

Third Questioner, whose name I can’t remember: Mr. Thomason! Mr. Thomason! What is the best deal you can give me on a new Camry sedan?

The crowd loses it, raucous laughter. They love the punchline.

Pat: (Pat stands, walks to center stage, and acts a little irritated, then ends enthusiastically) People. I’m not Wayne Gretzky. I’m not Bill Gates. And I’m not Scott Thomason. I’m Pat. Gelsinger. And this is PCEG. And we’re going to make video conferencing happen on Intel PCs!!

Crowd howls and applauds. Davis and Pat shake hands, leave the stage triumphant.

The Aftermath

We totally killed! The crowd loved us! We had the best reaction of the day. Instead of hinging on inside-to-the-team jokes that got a dozen laughs, we had a premise that was for the whole audience. We unified the new org under a now-more-familiar leader. We were ready to call caterers for a team party on our vacation day.

But like all tragic stories, there was one skit left to go.

I wish I could tell you what the last skit was about. But it had dudes wearing dresses, Monty-Python-drag style, with one of them wielding an electric chainsaw.

We never had a chance.